- Inconsiderate
- Pathetic
- Hurtful
- Loud
- Uncaring
- Oblivious
- Dick
- Constant

4 days and I’m sick of you. I can’t deal with you or any of the others. Maybe the problem is me but all I know is that all the words listed above are EXACTLY what you are.

i can't wait for next week to be over, but i just hope that it goes well. it's annoying how i know i'm so unprepared for some of them, but when i explain this to people all they do is look at me as if i'm joking. As if they think i'm "just saying that". well i'm not, and when your disappointed i won't give a fuck. it's easy for you to say, but you're already finding it hard to cope with that situation, so imagine dealing with a load of exams as well? yeahh i didn't think you could, although it's harder for you... i know.

i want to write my 'thank you' cards to the teachers to tell them how grateful i am for their help, but i've realised that only a few actually cared. i'll miss one teacher the most, i wish i could just come back for my history lessons with woodyyy (L). i get all nervous and excited when i think about richard hale, i'm glad i have my friends with me. even though one of the most important ones won't be there, i have the others.

i love being home by myself. there's no noise, and i can just do whateverrrr. then my dad comes home and his voice actually gives me a headache sometimes.

i love football for some reason, which is really strange? and i love watching it with my dad. so i'm looking forward to tomorrow, just imagining his competitive yells and how he jumps up and down makes me laugh. and i kinda like it when it's just me and him because everything is so much calmer and less like 'lerherlhegr'. he still managed to piss me off earlier though ahaa.

i've always known this, but i've realised it much more recently. basically i could not live without my family. by that i don't mean my dad and these lot (even though i couldn't), but when i think of my 'family' i think of my grandma and four cousins and two uncles and two aunties. they mean the world to me and i would rather be with them than anyone else.

this is exactly the reason why i NEED to start writing in my dairy, there's so much to say and i don't really like writing it on a blog. but only a few people will read this so it's all good. it's quite sad how i keep a diary but i love reading it back and remembering how i felt at the time and realising how far i've come or how much things have changed. yet this time it's been 6 months since i wrote last and i don't want to write everything which has happened since then, it's just way too much. and i don't want to read the last thing i wrote because i know what it'll say and i just don't want to see it yet, so maybe summer?

i just read that through and i've used "but" way too many times :') i can't be bothered to change it.

...

These last 2 weeks i've learnt and realised so much. Sometimes something tragic has to happen for you to actually get a grip with everything and realise that there's so much more to life than school, work, friends etc. talking to someone a few days ago made me think about pretty much everything. Funny how i knew that my 'advice' was absolutely hopeless because with every word that i said, i would realise how pointless i sounded. so i guess i agree with you now? everything which you said i agree. all of it.

• yesterday i was told, "it really does not matter if you don't attend a celebration because one person won't make a great difference to a cheering crowd, but at times when unhappiness and distress are involved, just that one person could make a change to someones life". And i agree, although my translation from Iranian to English may not be completely accurate. It's weird how at times like this, the people who i never thought would care are the ones who have stuck by me. And the ones i've always thought would be there, weren't.... except for one. But i'm grateful for the one person who i've known basically all my life. We've both met so many people since our childhood days of playing in the garden and going to the park, yet in the end she's the one who's been there for me all the time. Even though we barely saw each other for a few years.

• i know there's nothing i can do, but every time i remember you it just brings a flood of emotions. it's put everything into perspective for me. But i think i just won't think about it this time and just deal with it when it comes, it's easier that way.

• i know i've been a really shit friend to you for this past few weeks but it's because i have so much going on that sometimes that little bit of effort that i need to make, seems impossible. i hope i haven't been a total dick.

Usually I find myself in the middle, hearing both sides and understanding both arguments. But last night was different, no comparison could be made, the choice was obvious. I still fail to understand your side, it’s pathetic – seriously. No matter how bad the situation was, no matter how rude his words were, you had no right. You still don’t and you never will.

Watching it all fall apart bit-by-bit is something I never want to experience again. But maybe it’s too late? The damage has already been done. I just hope you’re wiser than that and don’t ruin everything. Everything you’ve worked for, all these years could be gone just like that – because of actions and words which deep down mean nothing at all.

You nearly crossed the line, or maybe you already have. It's up to you, Go Back and Sort It Out. I wish you could read this; I can’t tell you all the things which have been going through my mind …. our minds. You don't listen to anyone.... so yeah I’ll just write it down and hope that some sense will get into to you, sooner or later before it’s too late.

...

1) stranger, a person you have no idea about. I wish one would come into my life right about now and just sit there and listen. they wouldn't know me, the person i am, my personality, my history. they'd just sit there and listen, without interruptions and a friendly smile. they wouldn't judge and soon they would never mention it again. it feels like i've bottled it all up inside once again and just need to get it out.

2) i think i'm finally ready for change. just hope i can actually get the opportunity to change 6th forms and then i can start to look forward to something.

3) i'll refer to this person as "xoxo". it's pretty clear who it is. i've made this longer for them, and i'll just mention that whenever i speak to her, whether it is on the phone or facebook chat, that i always end up smiling or laughing at half the things she says. actually love herrr.

4) i love coming here, makes me forget about everything - literally. sometimes i wish i could stay here forever..

5) finally got it out of the way, now i can focus.

cba with the capital letters.

----

it's actually beyond ridiculous now. just seriously go away. fuck offfffffffff. i'm not in the mood and i don't have the time for stupid distractions. if i could go back in time, i know the things i would do differently, so that it wouldn't have got to this.

I think it’s great, how someone you’ve known for your whole life, hasn’t really made a difference until now. You’ve never talked or even thought about each other and all of a sudden their presence is what makes you smile.

Its days like this where I look forward to the surprises life has in store for me.

why can't i use commas?

“Time is inevitable”. That English lesson, we had some time ago, has been stuck in my head. The lesson I hate the most, the one I would probably dread on a Wednesday morning if it wasn’t for my friends sitting in front, has taught me one of the most important things.

No matter how hard I try to prevent it from happening, with time comes change, maturity, work, new people, new problems.... The thought of not knowing where I’ll be this time next year is one I try to avoid. The possibility of a new environment, people, teachers, subjects, friends? Is something I don’t particularly look forward to. WHY? That’s a question I ask myself. I wish it would just stop for a while. The days turn into weeks and the weeks into months without me enjoying every second of it.

Soon it’ll be gone and all I’ll have left is memories. I hope that those I call my ‘best friends’ are still there in the future.Yesterday I realised how much they actually mean to me and I appreciate all of their efforts. That’s why I just want everything to slow down and allow me to take it all in. Soon new people will enter my life, some will make a difference and other’s will be unnecessary.

let go, move on

I still care about you. Why? I don’t know. It’s been 5 years and I still think about you and wonder how you’re doing, despite the fact that I haven’t spoken to you in half a decade. You’ve changed. I’ve changed. I barely even know you but yet I miss you. I annoy myself, I need to stop thinking about the past if I want to get anywhere in life.

If only you could move on from the most insignificant things in life.